I mentioned in the last post that I had an inkling about my infertility, so I will write about that today. If I get too detailed, I'm sorry in advance. In fact, if you don't want the details, you should probably just not read this post. Some of it will be graphic, but it's important to understand some of what women with fertility problems go through. It is demoralizing. I felt like a lab rat being poked and prodded, I have no shame left after all the embarrassing tests I've done.
PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This is the cause of my infertility. I've struggled with it since puberty, but I didn't know what I was fighting until I was 25.
While growing up, I knew I wasn't totally normal. Not just in my everyday life, but with my womanly functions. I very rarely had to deal with having a period, and when I did, it was very short. At the time, I thought it was a blessing, now I know better. Being young and idealistic, I figured it wouldn't be a problem. In these days they can fix almost anything by popping a few pills.
I tried to find out what was wrong a few times in high school, and the doctors I saw said, "Don't worry about it, you're young, you don't want to get pregnant. Here's some birth control. It will "normalize" you until you want to try to get pregnant. Then come back and we will figure it out." Even after high school, they just kept telling me, take birth control. Because I was young and foolish, I trusted these doctors, and against my religion, my morals and my upbringing, I tried to take the birth control. After all it was for medical purposes, I wasn't actively using it to prevent pregnancy, I was using it to regulate my body. I hated it. I hated how I felt on it, I hated what it did to my emotions. Each time I tried it, I turned into a basket case, so I never stayed on it for very long.
When Eric and I got married, I decided it was time for a real diagnosis. Late one night, I happened to be watching "Mystery Diagnosis". A woman on the program had a lot of the same things I had, irregular period, hair growth on her upper lips and chin, excess weight that was hard to get rid of. I thought, well maybe I have something like that. I went into the doctor determined to get a diagnosis, and sure enough, I finally found a doctor that would listen to me. A doctor who didn't think I was just a young girl looking for an excuse to get birth control. Unfortunately he moved to a different hospital before I could start treatments.
When the next doctor came in, I went back. We started with clomid, progesterone to force a period and frequent transvaginal ultrasound I was always uncomfortable during my pap smears, let me tell you, the ultrasounds were much worse. It wasn't that they were painful, because they weren't. It was the fact that they started on the heaviest day of my period. At 25, I still found it difficult to buy my feminine products without a cart and a bunch of stuff to throw on top of them so people didn't see what I was buying. So now, having a man I hardly knew probe me, while I was bleeding all over the exam table ... I was mortified. It was necessary though, we were tracking the growth of my follicles to see if I was ovulating. I was not. I stayed with that doctor until he felt he could do no more, then I moved on to the next.
The next "doctor" was going to get me to an endocrinologist. This was good a good thing, I would get to the bottom of the problem and then be able to have a baby. I wanted to do some of the treatments, but not IVF. Being Catholic, IVF was not an option for me. Believe me I considered it, at first I didn't know it was not a pro-life practice, and I didn't know it went against what the Church teaches. As it was being presented to me, I began to have this feeling in my gut, that I just couldn't go through with it. I couldn't see having a 30% chance of success to be worth the life of my children. I believe life begins at conception, when the sperm and the egg meet. It was too risky for my children. At the same time that I was having my own epiphany about it, my mom was watching a program on EWTN which explained why it went against church teaching. It was a little bit heart breaking, but there was always adoption. Also, I got into a big fight with the "doctor" that was suppose to refer me to the endocrinologist. She accused me of trying to convince her to commit insurance fraud, when all I wanted her to do, were the treatments that my insurance covers.
I left my fertility alone for a little while and started checking out adoption agencies. Eric wasn't ready for it yet, so for a while we just went on with our lives.
Eventually a friend told me about the Pope Paul VI Institute in Nebraska. I found a doctor that worked with them, but she was almost two hours away. I loved her and the clinic she worked in, it was pro-life, pro-faith. This particular clinic had a picture of the Pope, Crucifixes on the wall, and played Christian music in the waiting room. It was everything I could have asked for in a clinic. I felt like I was home.
We started getting some of the tests done. Because it was a small clinic I had to go to different hospitals to get some of the tests done. I was getting a complete work up done. Top to bottom. If you thought the transvaginal ultrasound was bad, the next test I had was worse. Again, it was necessary. This test was called a hysterosalpingogram. The purpose was to x-ray my uterus and Fallopian tubes to make sure everything was clear. This test also had to be done on the heaviest day of my period. First, I had to gown, and then I waited in the waiting room, in the gown and with no underwear... It was probably one of the worst experiences of my life. When they finally came to get me for the procedure I couldn't have been more relieved, until they started the procedure. The nurses I had were great and very comforting, but it was so embarrassing. They insert a catheter, fill you up with dye and then take the x-ray. The poor man doing this test had to insert the catheter twice, because it slipped out the first time. It looked like someone had died when I finally was able to get up from the x-ray table, because of all the iodine, water and bodily fluids that were pretty much everywhere. I'm so glad I only had to do that once, and the test came back perfect.
By this time though, the two hour drive was too much to coordinate with work, and we stopped treatment. I tried one more time at our local clinic with the new OBGYN. My track record with women OBGYN's was not good. This one especially rubbed me the wrong way. She tried to force several vaccinations on me, one being Gardasil. I remember when Gardasil came out. I don't trust vaccines that are that "young", also it's a vaccine that adds to the objectification of women. Not to mention, I was married, if I got HPV from Eric, I'd have bigger problems I had to deal with. I kept telling her no, and she kept telling me I needed it. I was in the age group that should have had it. I just got the feeling that she was this feminist with a chip on her shoulder. She was not respectful at all. She even told me that if I didn't do IVF I would never get pregnant. She told this to me AFTER I explained to her that I was morally opposed to it. I think by the time I left she tried to get me on four different vaccinations, I don't even remember what they were all for. I have never wanted to punch anyone so badly, than when I was in that office. I refrained obviously, but she was so rude and insensitive. Don't get me wrong, doctors need to be able to convey what's going on, but they also have to be smart enough to handle sensitive situations.
Infertility is a sensitive situation, it's something you can never understand unless you've lived it. I am a strong person, and my infertility has brought me sobbing to my knees. I've gotten what should have been fantastic news about friends and family having babies of their own, and it crushed me. I still feel guilty for my reaction to finding out about my second nephew. My mom warned me ahead of time so I could adjust. When she told me I went home and I bawled like someone had died. My poor husband ran to the door I was leaning against, not knowing at all what happened. He actually thought someone had died. When I told him I was going to be an aunt again, he looked at me very confused and asked "That's it? You should be happy for them" I cried for the rest of the day as he tried his very best to comfort me, even though he didn't know how to. He has only seen me cry a handful of times, so when I do cry, it's a big event in our house.
Eventually I found another doctor closer to where we live and started up treatments again. Once I was only dealing with people from PPVI, I felt loved and cared for. The demoralization of infertility began to fade. I felt like a human again, and not a lab rat. I learned to understand my body, and what my body is telling me, I'm still learning, but I am much more confident about it now. I began to love being a woman. I still don't like getting my period (what woman does), but there is a part of me that embraces my femininity, the gift that it is to be woman, the protector, and bringer of life. So many good things have come out of my treatments. Even though I've had only had one pregnancy, which the child did not survive, I feel like it was a success for the most part. Before PPVI, I wouldn't have even had that one pregnancy. They focus on fixing what is wrong, and not on shocking my system into having a baby. I still feel like there is hope, and that eventually we will get my body figured out and I will be able to become pregnant again. So, I guess I'm not really giving up on my fertility, I'm accepting that God just may want me to adopt first. Perhaps, if I have a biological child that survives, it would cause us not to adopt for some reason, even though I have always wanted to.
I'm going to add some links for PPVI and another site that's connected to it, to help find a doctor in your area. I really truly believe this is the BEST place for couples with fertility problems. They have a very good track record, and the best success record I have seen in terms of achieving pregnancy. They are also good for couples who are pro-life and don't want to achieve a pregnancy. I believe their system is 99.9% effective when done properly, but don't quote me on that, it should be listed on their site. I know it's as effective as main stream birth control options.
Pope Paul VI Institute
http://www.fertilitycare.org/
http://www.naprotechnology.com/
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